You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
