On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ketchup is God's man juice
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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