dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
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