New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
