Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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