cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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