i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she pinky promised me she was 18
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
