I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
