I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
