i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
