I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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