Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
