If that was your dad, he is hot
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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