***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
