They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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