i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
