not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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