So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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