Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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