my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
