There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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