I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
