When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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