i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
