why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
