Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
