i think my tv is drunk
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
