If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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