why didn't you poke me back
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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