Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
