Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
