Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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