and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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