I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
