Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
