I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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