i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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