Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
