Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
