I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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