Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
