I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
