totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
