Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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