I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
