My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
