i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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