You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
