he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
