When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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