I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
