R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We left the knife in your bed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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