A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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