NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
