New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
FUCK WHALES
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
