you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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