Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
