You really coming over, don't trick.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
