I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
