I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
